Thursday, 28 March 2013

Day 75...

What I ate today... Thursday 28th March 2013


Apple juice drink with iron supplement.  Egg done 2 ways with mushrooms.


Heinz lentil soup with greek natural yogurt with raspberries and blueberries.. and the added nut mix :)


Sweet potato's and carrots with curry sauce (was with chicken but I have gone off chicken! So no chicken for me!)

So an interesting day... I want to do so well that now I think I am losing the plot slightly... Its not that I want to eat 'bad' foods, no.. its just I like to!  And I want to... but I know its bad and I am feeling like everything I am eating is like a punishment :(  Maybe I should feature in some treats?  If I do then I am afraid I will not have the strength to say no, or enough after 1 or 2.  I dont think I am that strong... I know I am not.

To be honest I am feeling pretty low.. this is the first time I have felt this way since starting and I know sooner or later this was going to happen.  I have to deal with this...

I need to ask myself why I am doing this...well that is obvious... I dont want to die.. I am right on the edge, a ticking bomb really...just waiting to get diabetes or other complications. I dont want that life... I want to change.  BUT ITS SO DAMN HARD :(

I dont know what it is I just feel sorry for myself I guess?  I got myself into this mess, I ate all those foods that put the weight on me.  I HAVE to get myself out of this, no one will help me so I have to help myself!  The GP just harps on about the dangers of being obese, but as I have not got any medical problems they wont help me... can they not see I am a ticking time bomb?  I joined the Weight Loss Guys and work out, when I am well enough... I love it.  But to be honest it is a LOT of money that we just cannot afford.  I pay the money for Han and I to go, sure we are seeing results but its a lot of money, money we need to be honest and I have to make cuts elsewhere.  To be healthy I have to eat healthy, OMG.. the food is SO expensive.  But what do I do?? I need to do something... everything cost money.  I am not the type of person to walk the streets, to exercise...  aaarrrrghhhhhhh some one help me!!!

Like I say I am feeling low... and its very unlike me.

I went to see the specialist the other day to see what they can do, you know to stop me from getting anemic and loosing so much blood.  Well it seems I need to accept that I am not going to have any more children.. this upset me greatly.  This was due to a few things, my weight, the fact that the only way they can help me is to put me onto a contraceptive drug, hormonal one.  And if that fails then to have key hole surgery to have a hysterectomy.  OK.. I think I knew I could not try for more children, its just the reality when it hits you.  My husband and I had been trying since we got married in 2009 and well it just did'nt happen.  And then in 2010 he had an accident that makes it almost impossible to try anyway.  I should of given up, but there was a spark in there hoping one day.  I have now lost that spark and its left me upset and all over the place.

So I have to go back for another visit to the specialist for some tests and see what they think is the best option. So I guess its no the wonder I am feeling like I am! :(


  1. Life sounds very bleak for you at the moment, I am so sorry.
    But you are right: ultimately we have to help ourselves. I have been in this position several times and all one can do is grit the teeth, thank God for good family and friends, and tunnel through. I often hum, through gritted teeth, the old saw - "when the going gets tough, the tough get going!"
    Have you come across He recommends a lifestyle and menus rather similar to what you seem to be doing already, with a forum, recipes, books, ebooks etc, mostly for free, and based in the main on good scientific research. Just something else to read to help with the old motivation when things get tough. Hold in there, you are going to do this, and when you find something to help you will feel so much better. I have found that Natures' Best fish oil capsules, with the vit A removed to prevent toxicity, have acted as the most wonderful mood enhancer for me. Apparently, and I did not know this, omega 3 fish oils are known as anti-depressants!! Just a thought.
    Take care, you are doing so well with a very difficult situation.

  2. Thanks for posting your comments 'swiffling' it means a lot :) I will check out the website you have posted... anything is worth a look!

    I am trying so hard to stay positive, its hard but I am and will hang in there! I want those wellies!! :) Like you say I need to find something that is suited to me... I have no idea what that is at this stage? I am hoping something will present itself soon!!

    I am trying to take the iron supplements, a little easier now they are mixed in apple juice and actually taste ok :) But its remembering! Han is going to set some reminders on my phone, so that I cannot forget then! Its dreadful having no energy, not being able to do any thing.. I HAVE to get myself sorted out. The consultant I saw was really nice and she said she would do everything she could to help me.. so thats positive!

    I guess on the plus side I am not putting weight on! I know its not healthy what I am doing, but what am I to do if I dont want to eat, and have no appetite? Its the worst feeling ever knowing I should be eating but cannot bring myself to.

    Fingers crossed this is just a 'blip' and things sort themselves out.


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