Friday, 15 February 2013

Day 35...

(Borrowed from Google Images)

Slowly I WILL get there... you just watch me! :)

What I ate today... 15th February 2013


I sachet of porridge and 1 banana sliced and added.


Handful of mixed nuts.


Half a pot of chicken and vegetable broth, with 2 table spoons of brown rice added.


Organic rhubarb yogurt and raspberries.


Wild salmon with (wagamama) chilli sauce on top, with roasted sweet potatoes and carrots.  With streamed green beans, cauliflower and broccoli.

I know my evening meal is on a large red plate... its all vegetables and very healthy.  And it was really filling, the salmon was so nice, I will buy it again.

So had a bit of a rushed day today, went to maths, been told will be doing an exam, so naturally stressing over that now!  Oh its no major exam, level 1 and level 2 exams to see what I can remember and they will go from there! Hmmm I just think AAArrrgggghhh 2 exams! 

I then went to the hospital and had my ultrasound, Oh I must of drank a gallon (if I knew what that amount was!) of water... yes water!! A break through!  Its was Volvic, mmm not so bad, I like that!  So been there did that, have to wait for the results now. 

Then went to my exercise session with The Weight Loss Guys and all started well... then I had a total melt down. :(  I think its a build up of a combination of things, the 'rear' photo of me, realizing I am SO much bigger than I thought I was, then getting round my head the full extent of what I am doing, and how long its going to take.  OMG!!! I was just so overwhelmed and broke down and cried, and cried!  Looking at it now I feel just a tad silly.  But I understand why I did it... It all just felt SO hard.  Dont get me wrong, I know its a LONG, HARD journey I am on.  I know and realize now that there are going to be hurdles to get over, but can do this with help and support.  I have not lost my enthusiasm or motivation... no no, more than ever I want to do this.   I have made the biggest step and that is deciding to change, then changed my eating habits and put exercise in my life.  I AM doing all the right things... I have to keep going and enjoy this change in my life.  I will look back at this moment and think, yes that was the moment I realized how bad I wanted to change.  And to help me understand why, I am going to make a huge list 'why' I want to and am changing.

I guess reflecting on this 'episode' I can see that maybe it was going to happen sooner or later... the sheer reality of what I am doing is immense.  I come across as really positive, motivated and happy and confident, underneath I guess I am really scared.  Scared as I dont really want to die, or get any health complications and I have dodged that bullet too long.  I mentioned it before that I am a ticking time bomb, and I have a lot to think about and a lot of changes to make.  Changes not just for now, for the rest of my life.

Before embarking on this change in lifestyle, I recognize the fact that when feeling low or sad I would eat, eat chocolate, crisps, sweets, toast... pretty much anything really.  Not now though, I am putting all of my effort into wanting to change that I would not sabotage myself now by eating 'junk'.  And this takes huge willpower from me as I feel the urge to eat because this is what I know.  I hope that by not eating 'junk' now feeling like this I learn form this and become a stronger person.  And if I stumble again, I will be able to pick myself up and know I am stronger as I beat the urges, and eventually it will become a habit that I do not reach for 'junk' when feeling low.

I am going to take The Weight Loss Guys advice, chill over the weekend, relax and regain my inner strength and know that I am doing something about it.  And that I can and am doing something about my situation.  

(Borrowed from Google Images)

I will sleep on it and tomorrow will write my list WHY... 

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