Food...

I thought today that I would try to understand why I eat the foods I do.  Food is something we all need and well I have eaten over the years probably enough for 2 people.  Something I am really not proud of. 

I guess over eating for me started when I was younger.  I had a happy childhood, I lived abroad and if anything I was spoilt!  The one thing I remember when my parents went out to functions (with the army) I was given sweets, and watched TV and ate sweets whilst they were out.  I think this is probably where I got my sweet tooth from?... maybe!  Food in our house growing up was plentiful and as a child I was allowed to help myself, whenever.  I think this is probably when it all started for me.

I think my problem is that I just love to eat food!  Seriously I do!  I have very few foods I don't like; any dried fruit, Christmas cake, Christmas pudding, pork, turkey... I am whats known as a selective vegetarian!  I don't really enjoy eating meat, its the texture.  I find if I prepare it, mainly chicken, I am fine and will eat it.  Eating out, nope! I turn into a vegetarian!  Its just easier as I don't like eating fat or grissle, it puts me off my whole meal.  

I did think that I preferred to eat cake over actual meals... in fact I still do think this!  I just have to control this urge, no matter how badly I want to eat it!  

In secondary school I started to notice my weight creeping on, before that in infant school people back then said it was 'puppy fat' what ever the hell that was, and that it would go as I got older!  Erm... nope!

When growing up and at school, being over weight is no fun at all.  I was bullied and really had a tough time.  Being in forces schools, you would think a small community that there would be none of that..wrong!  I was the biggest in my year and was tormented and teased on a daily basis.  In an effort to try to lose weight I joined the cross country team, in my lunch hour when all the other kids were having lunch and playing, I was off running around the local fields!  I did kind of like it I think!  But then after a while I resented it as I regarded it as a form of punishment for being overweight. 

I was near the end of my schooling and my parents moved back to UK, here I think I went down hill rapidly.  I had to attend a few secondary schools, this was due to my parents finding somewhere to settle after getting out of the forces.  My exams were taken in about 3 secondary schools, up and down the country!  I never and still dont feel like I belong in UK, it just feels wrong.  This is due to being happy living abroad I think?  I found myself eating more and more junk food, not binge eating, just larger portions.  

Some people I came into contact with in all the various schools were plain horrid and were really nasty with there comments.  After moving back to UK, to new areas, I had no friends and being over weight I was not ideal 'friend' material!  Saying that though, I was a bubbly type of person and tried to brush it all off, I was thankful I  had a sense of humor.  So I guess I at this point in my life, just got by, sinking deeper into what is now known as depression.  I was good at hiding things too, due to the fact I was so bubbly.  No one could of known what I was actually feeling and going through.

Being overweight is hard, on many levels.  From having to cope with your own weight, body image, feelings, desires and much more.  And there have been many a time I have wanted to be thinner.  I have tried probably most things that are out there to help someone lose weight.  If you have never been over weight, I am not talking a few pounds, a couple of stone then you would not understand what I have been through, all my life.

The thing that really annoys me are people that preach, they don't know what its like to be over weight yet they assume I am fat and overweight due to eating all day long, munching on chocolate and crisps and that I have Mac'donalds 3 times a day!  Or something like that!  Sure at my lowest point (by this I mean very over weight) I probably ate packets of crisps, one after the other and a few mars bars... not because I was sad... but because I liked to eat them!  

I must admit I don't like being overweight, I just am!  I have learned to live with it.  I think what has happened is that over the years I have found its easier to eat what I like and put up with being fat just because its easier!  That's right easier!  No effort required to be a couch potato!  And I know in order to lose weight I need to be committed and put maximum effort in.  Maybe I just think, no, I know I will fail this is why I have in the past?  Lets face it, I have to lose a whole person... this is no easy task!

So I have to change my mind set... into thinking I can do this, I will do this.  And slowly I will get there.  I am on the right path now, no going back.. well as far as I am concerned there is no going back this time.  The risks are too high, I don't want to develop diabetes or heart problems, I want to start living my life.  And I don't want to hide behind a layer of fat either! Watch this space....